As far back as I remember, I’ve always pushed myself to achieve more. In elementary school, I earned academic achievement awards for top marks. In university, I blasted through my B.A. in three years through course overloads and classes across summer semesters.
When I got my first “real job”, I worked overtime more often than not. I also took continuing education classes and picked up writing gigs on the side.
When I committed to running my first half-marathon, I didn’t follow proper training protocols and when I could run at least 15km, that’s what I started doing several times a week.
Inevitably, I hurt my knee, so I turned to swimming and started going everyday. When I discovered CrossFit, I got my coaching certification and coached classes. Then I joined a competitive group and started a two-a-day training schedule.
When I became an intelligence analyst and later ran a team, I gobbled up all the overtime I could and aimed to exceed the prior year’s benchmark. I thrived on doing what it took to get the job done!
On my 40th birthday, my brother wrote a note to say how proud he was of me, partly because I always pushed for excellence, “even at things no one else would care about”. It was a side-eyed way to get a dig in, but it wasn’t untrue.
It came at a cost, though. I had periods through those years where I broke down. But I’d pick myself up and go again.
When I had my son, I clung to my overachieving tendencies and tried to honour that unrelenting drive. Without the ability to rest and recover like I could before though, I hit rock-bottom. And I had to take a step back and reassess.
What was it all for?
I freely admit that I’ve been a perfectionist for most of my life and it has been disabling and demoralizing for many reasons.
I know you might share some perfectionist traits, so you’re probably nodding with understanding.
But I’m also not one-dimensional and I know you’re not either. My perfectionism has always been intertwined with high standards of personal excellence and yours might be too.
Are you wondering just what the difference is between the two?
Keep reading because I’m going to lay it all out below. My goal is to help you understand the difference between them so that you can assess what to hold onto and what to let go of—just like I did!
To begin, I love looking at definitions. Author Brené Brown outlines perfectionism in cold, hard terms in her book, Atlas of the Heart. She writes:
“Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. Perfectionism is not striving to be our best or working toward excellence. Healthy striving is internally driven. Perfectionism is externally driven by a simple but potentially all-consuming question: What will people think of me?”
Brown does an excellent job of identifying several telltale markers that will help you understand where you’re operating from a perfectionist mindset and where you’re coming at things as a person with high standards of personal excellence.
Marker 1: The audience
The perfectionist side of you will do things in response to the anticipated reaction of others. You’re preoccupied with seeking praise or validation for your efforts. But you might also fixate on doing things correctly so you don’t generate attention—you’re trying not to stand out.
When you’re leaning into high standards of personal excellence, you’re seeking the internal joy and satisfaction of doing things well. You’d do it that way regardless of whether anyone was watching, knew what you were doing, or saw your end product. You’re driven by the question, How can I improve?
Marker 2: The depth
Being a perfectionist is an identity. “I’m a perfectionist” flows from your lips as you describe yourself.
In comparison, you might say “I’m a person who has high standards of personal excellence”. It’s more about your core values and what you believe in.
Marker 3: The motivator
The motivation behind perfectionism is acceptance, belonging, worthiness, and validation. You’re compelled to strive for perfection out of fear—of not being good enough and the risk of not belonging.
When you’re focused on fulfilling your high standards of personal excellence, you’ll feel a sense of curiosity and a desire for growth, understanding, knowledge, and mastery. These will evoke a sense of excitement and motivation.
Marker 4: The expectation
Your perfectionist expectations dictate that you need to be flawless. You cannot make mistakes. Mistakes mean failure, and failure is defining. Self-criticism and judgement run deep.
When you’re seeking to fulfill your high standards of personal excellence, you’re focused on learning as you go. You’re willing to take risks, fall down, get back up, and stockpile lessons to apply in the next round. This sense of experimentation and adventure drives you forward, rather than diminishing you. Your level of self-compassion is high.
Marker 5: The feels
When in perfectionist mode and operating from a place of fear, your stress response is heightened. You might find yourself flip-flopping between extreme busyness and paralysis. You can’t slow down because doing so will hold you back from staying on top of everything. But you might also find that your need to do everything “just so” is debilitating and you freeze—unable to make decisions or take action. Avoidance and procrastination kick in instead. Things feel heavy and overwhelming.
When you’re pursuing high standards of personal excellence, stress feels good! You enjoy having a fire lit under your butt because you feel like you’re thriving. Things aren’t scary; they’re interesting and invigorating. You’re curious about your capacity and what you can tackle next.
Marker 6: The reality
While the perfectionist side of you aims for flawlessness, your standards are so high that it’s rare that you fulfill those expectations. For example, have you ever noticed that even when you know that you nailed something, you look for ways to diminish and criticize your efforts or performance? You feel very little joy in what you’ve achieved because in your mind, you’re always falling short. It’s an identity that often leads to high stress, anxiety, and burnout.
When you’re operating with your high standards of personal excellence at the forefront, you recognize and celebrate when you’ve done well. You’re capable of experiencing joy and a sense of satisfaction in your accomplishments. You have no problem accepting compliments in a genuine way. When operating in this mode, you tend to be happier and more self-assured.
Hopefully this guide helps you recognize what lens you have in place when you’re approaching specific aspects of your life. While perfectionism will always be part of who you are, being mindful of what’s behind your thoughts, beliefs, and actions might be the catalyst you need to take a step back from your unkind expectations of yourself—more often.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get things right or put your best foot forward; the challenge comes when the fear of not being “perfect” overshadows the joy in your life.
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