Do you recall the military-like bootcamp classes of more than a decade ago? If you do, you probably had a trainer that screamed at you as you slowed your reps, “Why are you quitting? You’re a quitter! Why would you give up now? Don’t you know sweat is just weakness leaving your body?”
Does your own internal self-talk echo those awful, relentless chants?
For example, after falling off your nutrition plan, do you silently scream at yourself, “I’m the worst. Why do I always do this? Why can’t I just get it together?”
If so, take a breath—you’re not alone. Most people believe that harsh, bullying self-talk is the only way to fuel the drive to achieve new levels of personal excellence.
In that same vein, most people fear that talking to themselves in a kind, supportive, and understanding way will result in complacency, laziness, and the lack of edge required to move them in the direction of their goals.
So, it might surprise you that this belief couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Let me explain.
Your brain can’t tell the difference between your own internal self-talk and harsh criticism coming from someone else. Think about how you would react if your boss pulled you into their office and said the things that you say to yourself.
Imagine slipping up on an assignment and getting reamed out by him or her saying, “You’re the worst. Why do you always do this? Why can’t you just get it together?”
First of all, you’d probably have cause for a bullying and harassment complaint against him or her, but also imagine what would happen to your body.
Your fight or flight response would be activated. Your heart would start beating quickly, you’d probably feel sweaty, your face might be flushed. You’d probably be at a loss for words and your mouth might be dry. You would be, in a word, stressed!
When you speak to yourself without kindness and respect, it can also trigger a stress response in your body. It can respond like it’s under attack.
It’s no different than when it comes to your nutrition and wellness goals. Telling yourself that you’re failing, that you should be doing better, that you should be ashamed for messing up again is going to trigger a stress response just like your boss’s words would.
And these negative feelings may then cause you to do things that don’t align with your nutrition and wellness goals. You might eat more to calm your stressed brain. And by more, I mean high impact things like a pint of ice cream, a bottle of wine, a bag of your favourite chocolate snacks or chips…or an entire pizza.
On the flip side, learning to speak to yourself with kindness and self-compassion will calm your brain in the face of things not going “perfectly” or 100% according to plan. This different approach will soothe your brain and allow you to feel safe, seen, heard, and validated. Without these emotional triggers, you’re more likely to stay aligned with your nutrition plan or goals.
Self-compassion isn’t about giving yourself a free pass to do anything you want without holding yourself accountable or being an insincere cheerleader who celebrates all behaviours. Self-compassion is instead about being realistic about where you’re at, what you’re doing, what you can reasonably expect of yourself, and how it all fits into the bigger picture.
But what exactly makes up a self-compassionate mindset?
The first pillar is mindfulness. It starts with becoming aware of your internal self-talk and beliefs and how they manifest within. When you become mindful, it also means being non-judgmentally aware. Remain alert and curious but don’t judge—that’ll circle you right back to that critical, mean lens that you’re trying to overcome.
The second pillar is to recognize that wherever you’re struggling with your thoughts, feelings, actions, or behaviours that you’re not the only one. Recognize that just about everyone struggles with similar things or in similar ways.
The final pillar is simply to be kind and decent to yourself when you struggle to show up in the way you want to, planned to, or feel like you should. Cut yourself some slack, avoid ruminating about things that don’t go according to plan, and focus on simply moving forward.
A great way to check in with the health of your self-talk is to ask whether you would say the things you’re saying to your child self, a younger sister/brother, or your daughter/son. If your answer is no!, then it’s time to do an edit.
You can also consider your internal dialogue and compare it to how you might talk to your best-est friend in the world or your spouse. Constructive self-talk is okay. Just like you’d hold your best friend or spouse accountable and call them out if needed, you also wouldn’t be unnecessarily unkind.
You’d also recognize when they were kicking butt and crushing their goals, especially when they couldn’t see it. You’d probably also encourage them when they needed a bit of extra support if they were going through a hard time. You’d be objective, reasonable, and yes, compassionate.
How does your self-talk compare?
The bottom line is that self-compassion when it comes to nutrition and wellness goals means accepting that there is no expectation of perfection. Slip ups are part of the change process, because change is meant to be hard—it’s meant to challenge you and get you outside your comfort zone. It wouldn’t be worth it otherwise. But that means you'll struggle at times. Your self-talk in those moments will influence whether you pick up and move on quickly or you let the blip become the beginning of a negative, days or weeks long spiral.
How can you edit your own inner dialogue to support yourself in attaining new levels of personal excellence?
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